Hard Knock Life: Our First-World Problems

Posted on March 15, 2012 by Boom Boom Jenkins

We in the First World are a unique lot.

Don’t let the veneer of health, material comfort, freedom of expression and unlimited downloads mislead you: We have REAL problems. Problems people in other countries, preoccupied with trivial things like immediate survival can only dream of.

Now, I realize that some of these issues probably strike a chord with some. Over-eating, for example, contributes to rising insurance costs and an untold amount of eye sores. The point here is that these are problems that only people in our pampered, 4-G lot can relate to.

“OMG, BBM’S Down!”: It’s the silent scourge that can strike at any time: People
" This f*!?ken sucks!"

with something petty and inconsequential in their life going on and have no audience to share it with because their BBM service is down, and a phone call or actual human contact are no longer options. The effects are immediate and striking: Agitation, sweaty palms and incessant bitching. Call now at 1-800-0-BBM-FML

Reality strikes:I can’t hear someone gripe about that without instantly vomiting in my mouth.

What urgent information do YOU have to convey that can’t wait? Are you trapped in a mine shaft? On a blind date with a troll? Chances are you don’t, so screw BBM and screw you.

I can literally take up terabytes on this, but comic Louis CK sums it up in far better fashion:

Couch surfing: Help us find a cure for this rare disease affecting one in 382.6 million douchebags every single year. This condition affects any regions in the brain used to control good judgement and overall entitlement to live. The most recently affected victim was here in La Belle Province (Check it out here). Share this video to with your Facebook peers to raise awareness and ‘Like’ our group, Coalition Against Couch Surfing (C.O.C.S).

Reality strikes: I’m sorry, but this is weeding out the gene pool if I’ve ever seen it. If this isn’t insulting to people who wouldn’t mind a decent shot at life, I don’t what is.

Bullying: Reality Strikes – Before you do: Ok, before you take out the pitchforks and picket-signs hear me out on this one…then take them out. I get it that this can really mess up young vulnerable runts, especially the chubby ones with a lisp. And yes, I sometimes regret teasing Adi, the kind who’d constantly shit in his pants, back in elementary school. What I’m saying here is that it’s a sign of how cushy we have it that this issue is front and center.

And another thing, to the bullies this time: Hiding behind Twitter and Facebook as you do your dirty work? That’s pathetic. At least put yourself in the line of fire and risk getting nabbed by the lunch mom and doing a week’s hard labor in detention. I still have callouses from all the dictionary pages I had to copy. If you don’t want to do the time, don’t even try doing the crime.

Overeating: For a large (Often literally) part of our disadvantaged population, there is only one desperate option they have to cope with their problems: Raid the junk/frozen food section grocery store, turn on Dr. Phil and gorge themselves with food until they reach a insulin induced catatonic state. If we save even one of these hopeless hogs, we’ll have done well. You can help by donating low-fat foods or a homemade noose to:

P.I.G.S (People Indulging Gratuitously on Snacks)

3356 Girth circle

Charlestown, WV

33256

Reality strikes: I know the ‘abundance of food’ angle isn’t the most creative, but I couldn’t pass this one up.

Think about it: We live in a society where many stuff themselves not out of hunger, but to medicate themselves from some psychological issue! (Not making audition for ‘The Voice’, missing the season finale of ‘Glee’). I mean, you don’t see a young child in Sierra Leone compulsively eating shrubs because he was left off the town militia. I doubt we’re getting much pity from the world on this issue.

" Call now and support P.I.G.S"

Slow-loading sites/Pop-up ads on free download sites: Technology has brought with it a legion of problems we could have never imagined. This plague occurs when our God-given right to free entertainment, peddled around every corner of cyberspace like a digital crack house is hindered by senseless buffering delays and ad pop-ups that we have to be bothered with (gasp!) clicking to close. There is NO reason this should still be happening in this day and age!

Reality strikes: This is a cousin of the ‘BBM’ category, but deserves a separate mention. I remember a time we had to go to the video store to get a movie or, worse yet, wait until said movie is available, at which point we’d race to the store like a medical emergency before it’s given to someone else.

And here you have a limitless amount of sites giving you access to movies that haven’t even been MADE yet, and bitch and whine about how it takes a few minutes for the video to buffer, or about the hassle of having to close a couple of ‘Poker Stars’ pop-up ads.

Hello, it’s F-R-E-E, you spoiled, slimy tech-parasite!

In some areas, their only form of entertainment is local plays in the town squares, and two people have to play 9 characters because everyone is either dying of tuberculosis or are too maimed. A few minutes and a couple of paid advertisements won’t kill you.

Creative Cop-Outs: Tired Hollywood Storylines

Posted on March 7, 2012 by Boom Boom Jenkins

With Hollywood and television churning out remakes at a breakneck pace, it got me thinking about movie storylines over the years that have been reused more than corny pick-up lines at a bar. Here we’ll look at a few of these unoriginal all-stars.

The white, middle class teacher reaching out to inner city kids: You know this sorry storyline: The idealistic (read: naive), bright-eyed white teacher takes/is forced on a class of inner-city screw-ups that society has given up on.
Mrs Gruwell: The horse mouth that touched inner city lives

Each class usually consists of the following cast of degenerates, in no particular order: The lone nerd who supports the teacher’s efforts; at least one vocal black and Hispanic thug who are getting sucked in to their crappy street life, the loud hoochie that’s straight out of a trash talk show that riles up the class and causes chaos; the lone wolf emo that creeps everyone out.

In the end of course, the students respond to the teacher and defy all odds, and everyone shares a laugh as the awkward white teacher dances with them to hip-hop music.

Examples: ‘Dangerous Minds’, ‘Freedom Writers’, ‘The Substitute’, ‘Lean on Me’, ‘Stand and Deliver’, ‘Take the Lead’

The cop who breaks the rules to do the right thing: In a corrupt society riddled with human shit, enter the cop who risks his life and pension to break from the system to serve society just in time to make one more of these unoriginal movies. This is a real piece of fantasy, and one that’s been served up many times over the years.

The movie concludes with the unlikely hero’s haters trying to befriend the sudden rock star, only to be told by him to stick it in the form of a witty one-liner.

Examples: ‘Die Hard’, ‘Bad Boys’, ‘Walking tall’, ‘Lock Up’, ‘Max Payne’, ‘Black Rain’

The ‘One Last Job/Mission’ movies: This usually involves either a main character who’s on the fringes of the law who is going for one last score, or is lured out of retirement for one last job/mission.

I know there are some solid movies under this category, but it still reeks of a creative cop-out and should be called out on.

Examples: ‘The Brothers Bloom’, ‘Heat’, ‘The Score’, ‘Unforgiven’, ‘Sexy Beast’, ‘Contraband’

‘Crash’-like movies of numerous lives colliding: The lives of seemingly unrelated people collide, creating a traumatic shitstorm for all involved. This sad-sack symphony usually ends with everyone’s lives irreparably scarred, their experiences defecating on their faith in the human race.

Again, some titles like ‘Amores Perros’ were good watches. It’s more the fact that a slew of these movies came out in a short period of time, leaving me bloated and queasy like breaking a hunger strike at a Chinese buffet.

Examples: ‘Babel’, ’21 Grams’ , ‘Amores Perros’, ‘The Air I Breathe’, ’11:14’, ‘Magnolia’, ‘Vantage Point’,

The entire Horror genre: With some rare exceptions (The first two ‘Saw’ movies were original but lost their luster after the other dozen that followed), this has been a fairly predictable lot:

Some unexplainable evil has befallen (more often than not) a small town. As the bodies pile up, hysteria sets in. It’s discovered halfway through that the cause is some ancient curse, past atrocity or some supernatural force.

In some order, the following guys are summarily killed off: The mouthy skeptic (Often a redneck), the coward, the joker, the token white chick (Usually the girl of either the skeptic or coward) and the token (usually black) muscle head who is usually one of the last to be offed. Left standing is usually a white couple in their mid-20’s.

More than likely, there will be at least 3 movies for each title of these cinematic abortions.

Movie where animals can talk (Non-animated): I know I know, the young kids find it
"Hey pendejo, these 'animals talking' movies are whack!"

entertaining, but Hollywood can surely churn out something else. This isn’t a movie-savvy demographic, and they don’t have their own money to spend (Unless they work at GAP or Nike). But at least for the sake of the parents, who have to sit through them, let’s try to stir the pot of this tired brew a bit.

Examples: ‘Dr. Doolittle’, ‘Beverly Hills Chihuahua’, ‘Joe’s Apartment’, ‘Underdog’, ‘Babe: Pig in the City’, ‘Look Who’s Talking’

McD’s: A Love-Hate Relationship with an Evil Empire

Posted on February 14, 2012 by Boom Boom Jenkins

It is the food equivalent of Philip Morris: unhealthy, shameless and spreading their tentacles everywhere. Even third-world countries with exotic diseases and no running water have a McDonalds nearby.

Just like any evil empire, the whispers of their atrocities are numerous. Unless you’ve been living under a rock or tied up in a basement, you’ve heard of their purported culinary crimes against humanity:

The stomach-curdling process of making chicken McNuggets
Morgan Spurlock’s health meltdown eating just McD’s in “Supersize Me”
The ongoing rumor that they own a company called “100% pure beef” to conceal meat that’s anything but
The rumor that they use earthworms in their hamburgers to increase the protein content.

And sure enough, someone on Facebook or at a party will bring up one of these or other points, acting like they’ve just uncovered the scandal of the century. It will usually begin in some smug alarmist tone with:

“Do you know how they make that?!”

On behalf of all golden arch-goers with varying degrees of self-respect, I answer:

“Yes, and I’ll super-size it with an apple pie!”

For all of you out there who think you’ve somehow enlightened us McD-goers, let me share a few truths with you to set the record straight:

First and most obviously, WE KNOW IT’S EVIL AND NASTY: Yes, chances are their food is made from ingredients and with a process so nasty it would turn a stray dog’s stomach, we get it.

And far from being a turn-off…

THAT’S WHY WE’RE EATING IT!: Whether it’s 3 a.m. stumbling out of a club, nursing a hangover after a long night or just plain feeling like a fat pig, there’s just no proper substitute for McD’s. Listen, none of those situations call for a fresh plate of veggies, a fresh field berry smoothie or a tall glass of soy milk. No, in those situations, you don’t want actual food: You want McDonalds.

Besides, even when we know better…

YOU CAN’T RESIST THEIR GREASY SEDUCTION:With those photo-shopped, sexed-up images of Big Macs and aromas of french fries detectable from miles
Those McD's cookies: Stole my willpower at an early age

away, there’s really no choice in the matter: You can only drive around the side and order enough food to horrify the woman at the drive through when she realizes you’re ordering for one.

Now, once you’ve given in to the urge, we all know…

IT’S NEVER A DECISION YOU’RE PROUD OF: Nobody finishes McDonalds and says “I’m glad I made that decision”. It’s kind of like picking up a prostitute: You get your fix, then immediately need a shower to wash away your shame.

All of that said, the draw of the golden arches is a reality for many of us, for better or worse. From that first Happy Meal and a box of those chocolate chip cookies with the Hamburgler on the front, McD’s was in my blood. That doesn’t mean to say I eat it constantly or even every week. What it does mean, for many, is that you’ll get the classic “McDonalds Craving”. Not for a classic burger on the grill. Not sushi. Not a veggie wrap with a bottle of water. Yuck. No, we need the evil empire for this one. And nothing can shock us out of making one more bad decision.

Epilogue

It was only matter of time that on the hunt for my pre-work coffee, I’ve found myself in a familiar place. I walk past my first love, ‘Dunkin’ Doughnuts’. Age hasn’t treated her well at all. I then shuffle quickly past ‘Starbucks’ like a guy who’s left his wife for a younger, racy minx down the street and can’t get himself to look her in the eyes.

There you are, McCafe.

I can almost recall the first time I went there for coffee. It seemed like the golden arches turned into a smirk and said “I knew you’d come back to me. What took you so long?” So there I was, joining the growing throngs of people standing in life for their McFix’ like those at a safe heroin injection site in B.C. And that’s probably where I’ll call home from now on.

Oh, and I know it’s just a matter of time before someone posts the next shocking news about how McDonald’s coffee is made: ‘ They grind up actual Columbians for their roast’ , ‘ The cream they use is actually a refined paste made of asbestos and bug droppings’.

I’ll read it, smile and reply “One cream and two sugars please!”.

Tandem’s NFL All-Nostalgia Team

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Boom Boom Jenkins

With accolades being handed down in the form of Pro Bowl and All-Pro nods, there seems no better time to take a look back. I’m talking about those memorable standouts from the 90’s. I’m not necessarily talking about the past cream of the crop, but players whose style of play, appearance or headlines made (In some cases, a mix of all three) had football fans double-taking. Some players you might remember, while others were just a flash in a pan if that. All however are worth a look back.

Quarterback

Jeff Blake, CIN (1992-2005): After the dull David Klingler era, Blake electrified the Bengals attack, peaking in ’95-96. With Carl Pickens, Darnay Scott and tight end Tony McGee, Blake ushered in the “Shake n’ Blake” era in Cincy.

Doug Flutie (1998-2005): After achieving demi-God status in the CFL, Flutie’s second stint with the NFL’s Bills in 1998 was unforgettable. When Rob Johnson went down, the diminutive Flutie was anything but, shooting life in Bills City. In a head-scratching move, upon leading the Bills to a playoff spot in ’99, Flutie was benched in favor of Rob “Robo-sack” Johnson in an eventual loss to Tennessee. The peak of his career of course was the unveiling of ‘Flutie Flakes’ Flutie holding his own with the big boys down south was a source of pride for any self-respecting Canadian sports fan.

Honourable mention (s): Jack Plummer , DEN-AZ; his gunslinger style was great fun to watch. Cade McNown CHI; Is only right that a bust is attracted to just that. His shenanigans at the playboy mansion surrounding one of Hef’s ‘girlfriends/caregivers’ and Tim Couch give this pervy pivot a nod on the list.

Halfback

Napoleon Kaufman, OAK (1995-2000): Arguably one of my favorite players of the mid-90’s. Small, speedy and shifty, Kaufman was a treat to watch every time he suited up for the Raiders. Those who don’t remember or plain don’t know would be recommended to have a look (link).

Bam Morris, PIT (1994-1999): “Bam-Bam” couldn’t have been more appropriate. He was an absolute jackhammer, with his ferocious style showcased in Pitt’s losing Super Bowl appearance in ’96. Although he didn’t have gaudy stats – and the only weight he’s remembered for throwing around is marijuana – the man was a force on the field.

Chris Warren, SEA (1990-2000): Playing in Seattle, let alone in the media environment of the 90’s , is like being shipwrecked in Ethiopia: You’re not getting a lot of press. But Warren was a beast in the backfield for Seattle, tallying 1,545 yds and 9 tds (along with 41 rec, 2 tds) in ’94, a period when 1,000 yds rushing isn’t sniffed at like it is now.

Honourable mention (s): Barry Foster, PIT; he really only had one (really) great year (1,690 yds 11 tds in ’92), but I absolutely loved watching the man run. Watching him, 40 pounds later and washed up, try to make minicamp in Cincinnati was both sad and hysterical.

Fullback

William Floyd, SF (1994-2001): The quintessential west-coast back’, Floyd was one of the rare fullbacks taken in the first round. Floyd made an immediate impact, gaining 6 td’s in his rookie year and was a key cog during my Niners’ Super Bowl run in ’94. Floyd was actually leading the league in receptions in ’95 before shredding up his knee.

Wide Receiver

Marcus Robinson, CHI (1997-2007): Talk about a guy who was on a rocket ship to the moon, only to be derailed by injuries. While this is a common story in a violent sport, I remember Robinson bursting on the scene, a big target (6’3, 215) with blistering speed. He caught for 1,400 yds and 9tds in ’99 before injuries relegated him to journeyman status. He was a flash in the pan, but I’m still nostalgic about #87.

Herman Moore, DET (1991-2002): By far one of the most notable on my team. With glue for hands, a tall frame (6’4) and a scary vertical, he terrorized the league during the mid-nineties, teaming with teammates Brett Perriman and Johnny Morton for a nutty aerial attack (Along with some halfback named Barry).

Michael Westbrook, WAS (1995-2002): Westbrook will be remembered less for his one big year in ’99 and even less as being another bad Washington personnel decision as he was for beating the bejesus out of teammate Stephen Davis. (can watch it here , moment #8). Davis went on to have the last laugh with a solid career. Last we heard Westbrook was sparring with inner-city kids with promising football skills.

Honourable mention (s): Yancey Thigpen, PIT ; Was a rare receiving threat on those Steelers squads, but can get in on his name alone. Tamarick Vanover KC; a promising kick returner who had his moments, who later had 2 months of moments in prison for his business ventures with ‘mate Bam Morris. Jake Reed, MIN ; his name isn’t Carter or Moss, but he had some huge years – including 1,320 and 7 tds in ’96 – and still flew well under the radar, with no Pro Bowl nods.

Tight End

Rickey Dudley, OAK (1996-2004): Back when big athletic tight ends were still a novelty and were mainly plodding, semi-mobile o-lineman, Dudley broke the mold. Dudley stood 6-6’ and 255 and had a solid burst coming off the line. He averaged close to 14 yds/catch in his career, and although it seems like each team has 3 athletic tight ends in their stable, Dudley was a rarity.

Mark Chmura, GB (1993-1999): In this case Chmura’s is distinguished just as much by his pedigree on the field as his headlines off it. A 3-time Pro-Bowler, one of Brett Favre’s favorite targets and beer-guzzling fishing buddies, Chmura had three solid seasons over his career, including the Pack’s ’97 Super Bowl run. Off the field, Chmura was accused of sexually assaulting a 17 year old babysitter of his daughter at a prom party. Who says the fun ends after football?

Honourable mention (s): Wes Walls NO-CAR, Mr. Dodge Reliant: his game was as un-sexy as it comes but was dependable for years. Eric Green, PIT; the man was basically the Steeler’s main source of O’ early in his career.

Aaron Gibson munched his away onto this team

O-Linemen

Aaron Gibson, DET (1999-2006): What the former first rounder lacked in performance clout he made up for in calories: After an injury-riddled stint in Detroit, with hard work and plenty of late-night fridge raids, Gibson joined the Cowboys in 2002 as the league’s first 400-pounder.

Kyle Turley, NO (1998-2007): The mercurial, inked-up Turley could have easily passed for a biker or a regular on ‘COPS’ if his football shtick didn’t work out (Maybe a post-football career move?) When he wasn’t injured, chucking helmets, flipping the bird to fans and threatening his coach’s life he was a solid tackle, having been a 2-time All-Pro (First team once). Very few o-linemen made for as constant entertainment as Turley.

Honourable mention (s): Nate Newton, DAL: Said Newton of his drug dealing aspirations ‘I’ve always been competitive’, ‘I couldn’t see myself not being the biggest dope man’. No question Newton is the biggest dope man, alright.

D-Linemen

Gilbert Brown, GB (1993-2003): Arguably one of the biggest no brainers. It’s amazing that he was a college high jumper considering he couldn’t make the Lambeau Leap at a hefty 350 pounds + (On his slimmest of days).

Michael Sinclair, SEA (1992-2002): One easy way to stay under the radar is play for the Seattle Seahawks, let alone play for them in the early 90’s. He had a three-year tear from ‘96’ – 98 where he tallied 31 ½ sacks and three straight Pro Bowl nods.

Michael McCrary, SEA-BALT (1993-2002): Left Seattle on a high note in sacks and carried it over to Baltimore, where he was a key cog to their 2000 Championship team. The man was a mean mo-fo at ‘end for years.

Linebackers

Bryan Cox, MIA (1991-2002):Known for his signature headrest-style neck roll and firecracker nature, Cox ingratiated himself with Bills fans during the end of the game as he gave them the double middle finger salute. Like watching someone taking a wipeout, postgame interviews with Cox were not to be missed.

Bryan Cox: Backwards and entertaining

Rob Morris, IND (2000-2007): He played with great intensity, and anyone who can pass as a full-patched member of the Hell’s Angels and get paid to hit others legally gets a pass in my book.

Honourable mention (s): Levon Kirkland , PIT ; it was like watching Pillsbury in pads and he got the job done, making the Pro bowl twice and once a first-team all-pro.

DB’s

Merton Hanks, SF (1991-1999): Next to Neon Deion’s brief stint with the Niners, the most animated player on the team. Watching his famed, spastic ‘Chicken Dance’ , you don’t know whether to celebrate or call a paramedic. All the while, he had some serious game, with 4 pro bowl nods and one 1 all-pro selection.

Jason Sehorn, NYG (1994-2003): At his peak, Sehorn was one of the few white people since Tom Hanks who can be left on an island and survive. That coupled with him marrying Angie Harmon makes him a lock for my team.

Larry Brown, DAL-OAK (1991-1998): What I recalled most about Brown was how dramatically he fell off the map. One moment a Super Bowl MVP landing a lucrative contract to possibly working at Jiffy Lube 12 games later.

Honourable mention (s): Steve Atwater, DEN: A legal assassin in pads;

Kickers

Gary Anderson, PIT (25 BCE -2004): The only man both to attend the last supper and be productive kicker in the NFL for over two decades.

Mitch Berger, P, MIN (1994-2009): I don’t recall holding any punter in nostalgia, so just went for one I recall. I realize the importance of punter s the field position game, but this isn’t freakonomics people.

Honourable mention (s): Matt Stover, CLE/BAL ; see Anderson, Gary.

What’s the Rule: A Text Too Many?

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Boom Boom Jenkins

I admit that I enjoy the benefits of texting as much at the next person. It’s great for a many situations: Bitching about a teacher in class, bailing out on plans or even the quick “Sorry to hear about the devastating house fire” message. It can definitely be a time-saver and save you from the burden of any real human interaction.

But at what point does texting take on a life of its own, sucking you out of whatever social situation you’re, descending into an hour + back-and-forth?

So bottom line, here‘s the question: At what point do you quit the neurotic thumb-tapping and switch to a phone call (Assuming modern phones still have this function)?

And yes, this is assuming that you’re in a situation to freely stop the text madness and reach out and call someone.

Sooooooo….. WHAT’S THE RULE?

‘What’s the Rule?’: Where Social Justice is Minted!

Posted on October 21, 2011 by Boom Boom Jenkins

While we might be lukewarm when it comes to politics, nothing warms up the civic spirit more than debating the litany of unwritten social rules. Whether it’s an overzealous ice cream sampler (As seen on ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’, -check it out here- or a Dairy Queen near you) or a clueless commuter (‘Walk Rage’ article), there is no shortage of fodder for discussion.

Enter ‘What’s the Rule?’

Here, a social question will be thrown out for those to sink their teeth into and weigh in on. Then, yours truly will lay down the bottom line. Consider it the town square where social justice is meted out.

So although Larry David and company are on break, the debate’s just beginning!

‘Triage’ Takes War Beyond Bombs

Posted on October 13, 2011 by Boom Boom Jenkins

A many movies have been made about soldiers irreparably messed up by war, but what of the insane reporters in the trenches that remind us that war isn’t another game of ‘Call of Duty’ or a family reunion in Alabama? Danis Tanovic thought it’s a topic worth exploring, and you’ll be glad he did once you watch ‘Triage’.

In a Nutshell

Mark Walsh (Colin Farrell) along with fellow photographer and best bud David (James Sives) are on assignment deep in Kurdistan during the Anfal genocide.

Farrell: A tough nut to crack

After the two are separated, only Walsh returns back home. In addition to being physically broken, he’s also a mental basket case. Finding her beau unresponsive, restless and unable to open up, wife (Spanish hottie Paz Vega) turns to her long-estranged grandfather Dr. Joaquin Morales (Christopher Lee). Morale’s arrival comes under a black cloud, stemming from his sketchy role as “Freedom Doctor” in Francoist Spain. What slowly unfolds after makes for an unforgettable story.

The Low-Down

Post-war (Read: anti-war) shaded issues like guilt, death and the human condition have been done to death already, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if ‘Triage’ was another such film thrown onto the pile. But these topics are tackled in a dramatic, thoughtful way without contrivance. Credit that to both the dynamic between Farrell and Lee as well as a well developed story by Tanovic. Farrell’s credible as he meanders with a wounded psyche, and Lee’s presence – along with his relentless challenging of Farrell – make for some great moments en route to an unforgettable climax.

Bottom Line

If the typical glorified, massive explosions, endless-battle scenes and patriotic speeches is your bag when it comes to a war-themed movie, this might not be for you. Then again, it might still be worth watching if you’re looking to give your adrenal glands a rest and seek a movie that will likely stay with you after the closing credits.

Colin Farrell’s earlier work might not inspire you to run to your video store or computer, but he might just win you back with this one.

Tandem’s Week 4 Verdicts

Posted on October 4, 2011 by Boom Boom Jenkins

NFL Week 4 Verdicts

The past week in football can now have proper closure!

* I’m not sure how many times I’ll have this chance during the season, so the topic of my 49ers – and their stunning 24-23 win over the “Dream Team” Eagles will have to top the list. While they might not be in a powerhouse division in the NFC West, building on their strong start can net my Niners their first division title since 2002. I’ll savour it all the same, believe me.

And is it just me, or does it seem like just when Alex Smith has had his last disappointing game in San Fran, he’ll come out with a game like this (21-33, 291yds, 2tds, no picks ) and tease the Niners hopeful with a glimmer of hope we all had when he was taken 1st overall?

Speaking of pivots driving their fan base crazy…

* Someone should tell Tony Romo that Christmas is still two months away after he gift wrapped a 3-pick present to the Lions, erasing a 24-point lead. He was irresponsible to the point of looking charitable out there. (Those who missed the highlights or others who simply want to enjoy watching them again can tune in here)

Foolhardy throws aside, can someone tell me why Dallas was still heaving the ball up with the game seemingly well at hand? If you didn’t see the score, you’d think they were desperately trying to mount a comeback instead of trying to put t heir opponent away. While the Lions have a mean front-four, the Cowboys running game wasn’t exactly bottled up. And flashy as Felix Jones is, it baffles logic why they don’t turn to Tashard Choice, who always seems to answer the call when he’s (sparingly) called on.

Coach Garrett, these are Pop Warner football fundamentals we’re talking about.

* No reason for raucous celebration in Atlanta, where the Falcons just held off phenom Tavaris Jackson and the vaunted Seahawks. Maybe part of me is just averse to hyped-to-death teams, but it just feels like something is missing for the Falcons to take the next step.

* I’m sure we’re still all getting used to the “Titans and Texans battle it out for AFC South supremacy” headline, but that seems to be the theme for the season.

* Do you recall a year when so many quarterbacks doubled as piñatas? Mark Sanchez was absolutely prison-broken by Haloti Ngata and company, marking only the most recent list of quarterbacks victimized by shoddy blocking, joining: Ben Roethlisberger, Michael Vick, Jay Cutler, Sam Bradford and Matt Ryan. I’m pretty sure their insurance premiums went up a tick or two as of late.

* Out of the aforementioned quarterbacks, it was Jay Cutler’s Bears who had the good sense to lean on their running game. Matt Forte’s 25 totes for 205 this past week should remind us that beyond the flashy numbers put up through the air, there’s still a place for committing to running the rock in football.

Rex Ryan has already indicated a shift back to running basics (hyper link: http://espn.go.com/new-york/nfl/story/_/id/7056451/irate-rex-ryan-promises-new-york-jets-return-running-game). Don’t be surprised if others follow suit.

* I’m glad someone got around to teaching Matt Cassell the meaning of ‘vertical’ before the Chief’s game against the Vikes. Dink and dunk sounds more like a circus act than football strategy, anyhow.

A brief recess until another week of football brings us back in session!

Tandem’s Week 3 Verdicts

Posted on September 27, 2011 by Boom Boom Jenkins

No neat 5-page features here folks, just laying down the law!

* Where else to start but the [ Insert underdog adjective/analogy here] Buffalo Bills. Two things worth mentioning here:

Bills fans, I know how many games you ALMOST won last year, hanging tough with some good teams. The fact is when you have such a long run of futility, that doesn’t carry a lot of weight. At one point, you have to turn the corner or pull over. Coming out of the gates 3-0 this year in resilient fashion is a good start, and headline-worthy at that.

Besides, many NFL fans (Especially Bills fans) have grown a bit tired (Read: sick) of observers and even some New England team mates alike gushing over Tom Terrific’s offense factory. That it came at the hands of their complete, unheralded polar opposite made it all the more gratifying.

* Speaking of commanding respect, can we agree it’s safe to start discussing Darren McFadden in the top backs discussion? Run D-M-C gave Rex Ryan plenty of foot action to fawn over, running for a buck-70, including this 70-yard rip . Having ranked 5th in total yardage last year – and looking to be a bigger bell cow this year – he’s poised to take it to another level this year.

* The done-to-death Vick storyline aside, I have to get something off my chest about the Eagles. Truth is, a team just seems to be less worth rooting for when it goes out and loads up on several marquee players in free agency. Maybe it’s my memory of franchises that have tried it and failed (Washington Redskins, New York Rangers of hockey) or those that have an aura of school jock bully through their spending (Yankees, Miami Heat), but part of me wants to see the “Dream Team” flounder just to send a message that a championship can’t be bought.

Oh, and note to Philly management for next offseason: If you plan on going the same route, maybe you should add Linebackers and O-Lineman to your grocery list. Don’t forget a bucket of Häagen-Dazs, which is what you’ll need to sooth your disappointment at season’s-end.

* It wasn‘t a Sunday for any Steelers fan who‘s faint of heart. In what most observers (Myself included) assumed would be child’s play against the colds without you-know-who, Pittsburgh barely beat Indy and Curtis Painter’s vaunted passing attack.

Shameless Painter pot-shots aside (Who can resist?), it felt as if it was clear Pitt’s ailing O-Line was their true achilles heel. It was almost Things are getting so dire at O-Line in Pitt, I hear they might even work out Vinnie Testaverde at tackle this week.

Speaking of teams in need of o-line help…

* Apparently things are getting so bad for Jay Cutler in Chicago, troops in Iraq are sending him letters of encouragement.

* Short of pointing out the obvious shortcomings in the Ram’s D , we should keep something else in mind as well: Although they have a bright quarterback in Sam Bradford, the Rams have less weapons on offense than an Amish town. Unless Steven Jackson’s quad injury heals quickly, it’s hard to picture their attack keeping them afloat.

* Even after his surprising display in the playoffs, I was convinced that Matt Hasselback had as much tread left on his tires as he does hair on his head. So far, so wrong. He hung up a hefty 332 yards and 2 Tds while completing 75% of his passes against the Broncs. Even with Kenny Britt shelved for the year, there is hope that he and Nate Washington can make sweet music this year and keep the Titans in contention. If that other talented, gold-grilled running back can play like the contract-hungry player of 2010′, hope might become reality.

* Although he didn’t put up videogame-like numbers this week, good thing that Cam Newton picked up his first W against fellow NFL Freshman Blaine Gabbert. Nobody in their right mind in Charlotte is circling the date to buy playoff tickets, but at least a few wins will keep the good vibrations going. Don’t assume that the Panthers have clinched the basement in the NFC South with Cam at helm either, though.

Court’s adjourned til’ next week folks, stay tuned.

‘Lives of Others’ Worth Evesdropping On

Posted on September 23, 2011 by Boom Boom Jenkins

With a regime ruling through torture and intimidation and an economy more lifeless than Larry King in Spinning class, the German Democratic Republic circa 1984 wasn’t exactly the land of milk and honey.

While that period couldn’t have been pleasant, it was the ideal backdrop for Florian Heckel Donnersmarck’s “The Lives of Others”.

In a Nutshell

The film centers on Captain Gord Wiesler (Ulrich Muhe), member of the Stasi, the GDR’s secret police.

Wiesler’s boss, Grubitz (Ulrich Tukur), assigns him to spy on known playwright Georg Dreyman (Sebastien Koch). Wiesler discovers shortly after that this isn’t just your average job of ‘catch the rebel’. Rather, it is to serve the Minister of Culture Hemp’s (Thomas Thieme) lustful designs for Dreyman’s belle, Christa-Maria Sieland (Martina Godeck), who hopes to find dirt on Dreyman and get him out of the picture. Wiesler also discovers that Hemp is blackmailing Sieland into sex, lest her acting career go vamoose and her illegal use of prescription drugs find her in prison.

Already disillusioned by events, Wiesler finds out that Dreyman is working on an article revealing the hidden GDR suicide rates in Western paper Der Spiegel (Inspired by the suicide of his friend and playwright Albert Jerska). These and other events build up into a quintessential pressure cooker with enough moral conflicts to give Nietzsche migraines. How Wiesler deals with this quandary is what drives the film.